The Ordinary Stomatopod [Part 1]

One spectacular day in late 2007 (it was December the 2nd, if you're interested), a good number of fascinating things were occuring simultaneously in drastically different locations.

The first: iconic French singer Johnny Hallyday was contemplating retirement.

The second: an ordinary stomatopod was also contemplating Johnny Hallyday's retirement.

(You see, this stomatopod was a clairvoyant, and, unbeknownst to Hallyday, it was sifting through the tumult in his mind as he wrestled with his future.)

The third: elsewhere, some clairvoyant redcoats were confusedly contemplating the ordinary stomatopod's contemplation.

"If he's an ordinary stomatopod," reasoned one, "then surely he'd not be clairvoyant?"

"I see what you mean," replied the other, "but suppose, perhaps, that all stomatopods are clairvoyant? Then he'd still be ordinary."

"It's possible," mused the first, "but how can we know?"

The fourth: a clairvoyant singing octopus head was contemplating the contemplations of the redcoats.

Being a singing octopus head as it was, it knew, of course, that the second redcoat was correct and that all stomatopods were, in fact, clairvoyant.

It had no interest in informing them, however. It was busy.

AND SO

In regards to the story being told here, only the first two occurances are of any import.

The ordinary stomatopod, as I will have you know, had a lot riding on Hallyday’s retirement. A few years prior, during the annual stomatopod clairvoyance contest, the question of Hallyday’s retirement had come up in the semifinal match between the ordinary stomatopod and his arch rival, another ordinary stomatopod. They have a thing for pronoun ambiguity.

Our hero, the ordinary stomatopod, looked into the hazy future and bet his archrival, the ordinary stomatopod, that Hallyday would retire on the third of December of 2007. As you will recall, our present story takes place on the second of December of 2007. Am I getting through to you here? This is important.

The moment of reckoning was fast approaching, and the ordinary stomatopod could still not quite make out the details of December 3rd. The future was ever-hazy, and Hallyday’s retirement was unsure. The ordinary stomatopod refused to leave things to fate. He would not suffer the embarrassment and shame of losing his bet with the ordinary stomatopod. His ordinary reputation was at stake. He would FORCE Hallyday to retire.

AND SO

The ordinary stomatopod set in motion a grand series of events that would shake the very foundations of our little earth.

TO BE CONTINUED

Bosstrich & The Rocktopodes

One day, it so happened that each and every atom in the universe conspired to something great. "Let us, with our combined glory, produce something the likes of which will never again be seen, in all the trillions of billions of years that this universe has yet to live," they said. Each atom gave a little shiver in anticipation of their triumph, and the energy involved was that of one hundred million billion supernovae.

And so it was that the Bosstrich came into being. The vast atomic overmind had chosen as his residence the planet Earth, as its natives were sufficiently primitive for the Bosstrich to lord his glory over them for eternity.

As the Bosstrich donned his beret and necktie, the atomic overmind smiled down upon him. His head bobbed majestically as he descended from the cosmic heavens.

The people looked up in awe. "By the gods!" they exclaimed. "It has the appearance of an ostrich, but a presence and glory far beyond anything we've ever seen!" They fell to their knees as he approached.

A small crowd had formed, which the Bosstrich eyed with disdain. The sheer holy intensity of his naked gaze proved too much for the mere mortals, however, and there occurred a localized mini-rapture, and the people in the crowd were sent instantly to either heaven or hell.

As the Bosstrich disinterestedly eyed the scattered empty clothes of the former crowd, the atomic overmind sent God as their emissary. "Your glory does much in the way of pleasing your creators, o Bosstrich," God began, "but they are afraid that if things go on as they just did, there will be none to admire you before long. Allow me to bestow upon you a gift, on their behalf."

The Bosstrich nodded almost imperceptibly. God broke into a wide grin and clapped his hands. A bolt of lightning shot down from the heavens, striking the Bosstrich square between the eyes. Nestled comfortable on the bridge of his beak was now a pair of sizzling reflective blue shades. The Bosstrich looked up to the heavens, observing that the clouds had arranged themselves into a massive thumbs-up. "Looking good!" God said as he ascended back to heaven. Fonzi agreed.

And so the Bosstrich roamed the boring Earth, its denizens now shielded from his rapturous gaze. People adored and worshiped him everywhere he went, but he felt that his existence was an empty one.

One day, having roamed all the land, the Bosstrich decided to roam the seas. He saw many interesting things under the waves, much more interesting than humans. But still there was something he lacked.

Until he heard it. A sound so sweet, he was moved to tears. Being the Bosstrich as he was, all the living things within a mile of his tears were granted immortality.

Frantically he searched for the source of the sound. He closed in on it, at last pushing aside some seaweed to reveal the producers of the only thing that he had ever felt was worth living for. There upon the sea floor sat the two greatest musical masters in existence. These two octopuses rocked. Hard. Their tentacles moved in a blur. The water pumped in and out of their siphons with the beat. The sea was filled with glorious, glorious music.

The Bosstrich removed his shades to wipe the tears from his eye, momentarily forgetting his deadly power. He gazed upon these eight-legged masters of rock, these wonderful rocktopodes and wept in happiness.

He panicked for a moment, remembering that by looking upon them he was dooming them. But far from vanishing to the worlds beyond, the octopodes continued to jam, perhaps even harder than before. The Bosstrich could not believe his eyes or ears.

He approached them. "My brothers! I have walked most of this globe in despair, but you have given me purpose! Never have I heard music that so wonderfully resonates with my soul! Will you...will you join me...in song?"

The two octopuses, had, of course, heard much of the Bosstrich and his travels. They were honored to be of such interest to the only Son of the Atomic Overmind. They tuned up their instruments and waited in great anticipation.

The Bosstrich stood between them, and looked from one to the other. "Here we go."
He counted off, one, two, three, and they burst into song.

The music was unlike anything heard before. It spread at many times the speed of light, pushed by the explosive power of the Bosstrich's singing voice. Such was its power that it raptured entire planets, entire galaxies. The earth was gone within a fraction of a second, but Bosstrich and the Rocktopodes were already lost in song. Planets eroded, vaporized, vanished. Stars exploded or collapsed under the pressure of the incredible musical waves.

"Dear god, what have we created?!" the remnants of the atomic overmind mourned from the very corners of the universe before they, too, were taken by the rapturous sound. All life, in fact all matter in the universe, had been erased, wiped clean, purified, by the magical sound.

And still they played.

And still they will play.

Lux and Quinoa

There once was a man who could not turn down a challenge. One day, somebody challenged him to ride a horse. And he did. He ran that horse into the ground.

Literally.

For you see, this man also had a tendency to take everything too far. He ran that horse so hard that it tunneled into the ground. He rode it round and round the equator until they sawed the earth in two.

The man, however, was also an excellent engineer, and had designed space suits for him and his horse. They traveled the galaxy, cleaving planets in twain.

What did they eat? Food. Just like anybody else. What kind of question is that.

What did they love? A challenge.

What did that get them? They destroyed everything.

What did they become? GODS.

The Ordinary Lobster

Once upon a time, there was an ordinary lobster.

There was literally nothing special about him. One day, as average lobsters are wont to do, he got hungry, and decided to go hunting.

Spying a tasty fish, the ordinary lobster made a lunge, only to find himself beaten to the punch by an obviously stronger lobster. Ever foolish in his greed, as ordinary lobsters are wont to be, the ordinary lobster, rather than making a retreat, decided to stay and fight a fight that he obviously could not win.

The outcome of the fight was inevitable, and the now dead but still ordinary lobster found himself face-to-face with God.

“That was the worst fight I’ve ever seen,” said God, “I can’t let you into heaven with wuss moves like that. Come with me.”

Suddenly, there was a rushing vortex of water around them and the ordinary lobster blacked out.

When he came to, the disoriented but still ordinary lobster realized that he was on land.

“Spend some time up here and learn,” said God. “It’s a harder life, and you need to toughen up.”

With that, God disappeared and the disoriented and lonely but still ordinary lobster was left to wander on his own.

After some time, the ordinary lobster stumbled upon some giant isopods and was overjoyed to see some creatures that reminded him of home.

Unfortunately, as the ordinary lobster found out the hard way, giant isopods are all jerks who are too busy with their Doritos to bother with anyone else.

The distraught but still ordinary lobster continued on his way.

As he turned a corner, he came upon a grizzled old crab who seemed very calm and wise.

Noticing the ordinary lobster’s dismay, the crab offered, “why not take a puff of one of my magic calm sticks?”

Grateful for any hint of kindness in this strange new world, the ordinary lobster greedily inhaled the fumes. He felt himself drifting off into a daze…

The things he saw were both confusing and horrifying.

Could it be some sort of prophecy, he wondered? It didn’t matter. He had to get out of there. “Never again,” he swore.

The now jittery but still ordinary lobster was quickly learning the dangers of the surface world. It would take some adjusting.

After doing some adjusting, the now adjusted but still ordinary lobster began to find his place on the surface.

Many years passed, and the ordinary lobster now had a car and a well-paying job as a stockbroker. One morning, as he stepped out of his freshly parked car, he heard a familiar voice.

“How about a rematch?”

Before he knew it, the ordinary lobster was in a knife fight with the very lobster that had bested him the first time.

What the other lobster didn’t know, however, was that now the ordinary lobster knew all about the dangers of drugs and the high-pressure but high-return profession of stock broking. The ordinary lobster trounced his opponent effortlessly.

Vindicated, the triumphant but still ordinary lobster continued on his way to work. He died later that day in a tragic stock broking accident.

The once again dead but still ordinary lobster found himself face-to-face with the gods of the surface world.

“That was the greatest fight AND stock broking we’ve ever seen!” they exclaimed. “If it’s cool with you, we’d like to welcome you to surface world heaven, which is way better than underwater heaven anyway.”

And so, the ordinary lobster went to the heaven of the surface world and was happy forever.

The End.