There was literally nothing special about him. One day, as average lobsters are wont to do, he got hungry, and decided to go hunting.
Spying a tasty fish, the ordinary lobster made a lunge, only to find himself beaten to the punch by an obviously stronger lobster. Ever foolish in his greed, as ordinary lobsters are wont to be, the ordinary lobster, rather than making a retreat, decided to stay and fight a fight that he obviously could not win.
The outcome of the fight was inevitable, and the now dead but still ordinary lobster found himself face-to-face with God.
“That was the worst fight I’ve ever seen,” said God, “I can’t let you into heaven with wuss moves like that. Come with me.”
Suddenly, there was a rushing vortex of water around them and the ordinary lobster blacked out.
When he came to, the disoriented but still ordinary lobster realized that he was on land.
“Spend some time up here and learn,” said God. “It’s a harder life, and you need to toughen up.”
With that, God disappeared and the disoriented and lonely but still ordinary lobster was left to wander on his own.
After some time, the ordinary lobster stumbled upon some giant isopods and was overjoyed to see some creatures that reminded him of home.
Unfortunately, as the ordinary lobster found out the hard way, giant isopods are all jerks who are too busy with their Doritos to bother with anyone else.
The distraught but still ordinary lobster continued on his way.
As he turned a corner, he came upon a grizzled old crab who seemed very calm and wise.
Noticing the ordinary lobster’s dismay, the crab offered, “why not take a puff of one of my magic calm sticks?”
Grateful for any hint of kindness in this strange new world, the ordinary lobster greedily inhaled the fumes. He felt himself drifting off into a daze…
The things he saw were both confusing and horrifying.
Could it be some sort of prophecy, he wondered? It didn’t matter. He had to get out of there. “Never again,” he swore.
The now jittery but still ordinary lobster was quickly learning the dangers of the surface world. It would take some adjusting.
After doing some adjusting, the now adjusted but still ordinary lobster began to find his place on the surface.
Many years passed, and the ordinary lobster now had a car and a well-paying job as a stockbroker. One morning, as he stepped out of his freshly parked car, he heard a familiar voice.
“How about a rematch?”
Before he knew it, the ordinary lobster was in a knife fight with the very lobster that had bested him the first time.
What the other lobster didn’t know, however, was that now the ordinary lobster knew all about the dangers of drugs and the high-pressure but high-return profession of stock broking. The ordinary lobster trounced his opponent effortlessly.
Vindicated, the triumphant but still ordinary lobster continued on his way to work. He died later that day in a tragic stock broking accident.
The once again dead but still ordinary lobster found himself face-to-face with the gods of the surface world.
“That was the greatest fight AND stock broking we’ve ever seen!” they exclaimed. “If it’s cool with you, we’d like to welcome you to surface world heaven, which is way better than underwater heaven anyway.”
And so, the ordinary lobster went to the heaven of the surface world and was happy forever.
The End.
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